It Sucks To Be Me WoT Style
by shaiel
Summary: This song is a WoT parody of "It Sucks to Be Me" from the musical "Avenue Q" which I highly recommend.


_Italics = singing_

ELAYNE: Morning, Thom!  
  
THOM: Hi, Elayne.  
  
ELAYNE: How's life?  
  
THOM: Disappointing!  
  
ELAYNE: What's the matter?  
  
THOM: For two thousand pages I've been in Ebou Dar.  
  
ELAYNE: Oh, I'm sorry!  
  
THOM: Me too! I mean, look at me! I'm stuck with Mat and Juilin, and I always thought -  
  
ELAYNE: What?  
  
THOM: No, it sounds stupid.  
  
ELAYNE: Aww, come on!  
  
THOM: _When I was little, _

_I thought I would be..._  
  
ELAYNE: What?  
  
THOM:_ A court-bard _

_For Andoran royalty. _

_But your mom got mad, _

_And as you can see, _

_I'm not._  
  
ELAYNE: Nope!  
  
THOM: _Oh well, _

_It sucks to be me.  
_  
ELAYNE: Nooo.  
  
THOM: _It sucks to be me._  
  
ELAYNE: No!  
  
THOM: _It sucks to be in a circus, _

_Limping, _

_And turning seventy. _

_It sucks to be me._  
  
ELAYNE: Oh, you think your life sucks?  
  
THOM: I think so.  
  
ELAYNE: Your problems aren't so bad.

_I'm quite attractive, _

_And going to be queen.  
_  
THOM: You are.  
  
ELAYNE: Thanks!

_I've got a boyfriend, _

_Who's a sex machine, _

_And my sister and I _

_We share him between. _

_So why won't he _

_Marry me? _

_Fuck! _

_It sucks to be me!_  
  
THOM: Me too.  
  
ELAYNE: _It sucks to be me.  
_  
THOM: _It sucks to be me. _

_It sucks to be Thom..._  
  
ELAYNE: _And Elayne..._  
  
THOM: _To put up with Luca!_  
  
ELAYNE: _To be a real pain!_  
  
BOTH: _It sucks to be me._  
  
Galad and Gawyn enter, arguing.  
  
THOM: Hey, Gawyn, Galad, can you settle something for us? Do you have a second?  
  
GAWYN: Ah, certainly.  
  
ELAYNE: Whose life sucks more? Thom's or mine?  
  
Galad and Gawyn exchange glances.  
  
GALAD and GAWYN: Ours!  
  
GAWYN: _We're quite chummy._  
  
GALAD: _We're as close as _

_Brothers can get._  
  
GAWYN: _But when he joined _

_The Children..._  
  
GALAD: _I made him very upset._  
  
GAWYN: _And now we both _

_Have done things _

_We really regret. _

_Our mother got killed _

_By Rand al'Thor._  
  
GALAD: _Books about us _

_Are written by TOR._  
  
GAWYN: _I stuck with Elaida. _

_I'm such a dummy.  
_  
GALAD: _And you're jealous of me _

_'Cause you're not as yummy._  
  
GAWYN: _You and your _

_Righteousness _

_Make life a hell!_  
  
GALAD: _And you're an asshole! _

_You jerk! You troll!_  
  
GAWYN: _It sucks to be me!_  
  
GALAD: _No, it sucks to be me!  
_  
ELAYNE: _It sucks to be me!_  
  
THOM: _It sucks to be me!  
_  
ALL: _Is there anybody here _

_It doesn't suck to be? _

_It sucks to be me!_  
  
RAND: Why are you all so happy?  
  
GALAD: Because our lives suck!  
  
RAND: Your lives suck? Am I hearing you correctly? Ha!

_I am the Dragon Reborn. _

_My life is filled with doom. _

_I'll defeat Shai'tan, _

_But lately I am _

_In a gloom. _

_I found out that my _

_Mom was Tigraine. _

_The Prophecies _

_Give me a migraine. _

_My uncle's out to kill me! _

(Smacking Gawyn)

_No one listens to me... _

_I rule in Illian and Tear, _

_But when I die _

_Everyone will cheer! _

_It sucks to be me! _

_It sucks to be me! _

_I say it _

_Sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka- _

_Sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka- _

_Sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka- _

_Sucks! _

_It sucks to be me._  
  
Perrin enters.  
  
PERRIN: Excuse me?  
  
THOM: Hey there.  
  
PERRIN: Sorry to bother you, but I'm looking for my wife.  
  
RAND: Why are you looking all the way out here?  
  
PERRIN: Well, I started in Ghealdan, but so far I haven't found anything. But Ebou Dar looks quite promising. Oh, hey, look, a "Shaido this way" sign!  
  
THOM: You need to talk to the author. Let me get him.  
  
PERRIN: Great, thanks!  
  
THOM: Yo, RJ!  
  
ROBERT JORDAN: I'm coming! I'm coming!  
  
Robert Jordan appears, dramatically, on the fire escape.  
  
PERRIN: By the Light! It's Robert Jordan!  
  
ROBERT JORDAN: Yes, I am!

_I'm Robert Jordan, _

_The author of _

_"The Wheel of Time." _

_If I killed off Faile, _

_It wouldn't be a crime! _

_I'm quite sick _

_Of grumbling fans _

_Who think I am slime! _

_But I'm here - _

_The author _

_Of "The Wheel of Time."_  
  
ALL: _It sucks to be you!_  
  
ELAYNE: You win!  
  
ALL: _It sucks to be you!_  
  
THOM: I feel better now!  
  
ROBERT JORDAN: Try having people stopping you to ask you, "Who killed Asmodean?" It gets old.  
  
ALL: _It sucks to be you _

_In "The Wheel of Time." _

_Sucks to be me _

_In "The Wheel of Time." _

_Sucks to be you _

_In "The Wheel of Time." _

_Sucks to be us, _

_But not when _

_We're together. _

_We're together _

_In "The Wheel of Time." _

_We're in "The Wheel of Time." _

_If he killed off Faile, _

_It wouldn't be a crime! _

_In "The Wheel of Time."_  
  
PERRIN: Forget Faile!  
  
ALL: _In "The Wheel of Time."_  
  
GALAD: Who did kill Asmodean?  
  
ALL: _In "The Wheel of Time."  
_  
ROBERT JORDAN: Just wait for "Knife of Dreams!"  
  
ALL: _In "The Wheel of Time." _


End file.
